Even though the decision Leslie (Amy Poehler) and Ben (Adam Scott) made at the end of last night’s Parks and Recreation (Season 5, Episode 13, “Emergency Response“) was a big one (…here comes the bride, all dressed in white…and uh, newspaper??….), I just can’t get Ron Swanson’s (Nick Offerman) sage words of wisdom out of my head.

Thanks to his last-minute fill in on Pawnee Today, we now know his thoughts on many of the world’s greatest problems:

1. ON AVOIDING HANGOVERS: “After I’ve had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak pan-friend in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.”
2. ON SMALL DOGS: “…ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.”
3. ON BANKS : “Don’t trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.”
4. ON HAUNTED HOUSES:  ”Your house isn’t haunted, you’re lonely.”
5. ON CINEMA: “I’ve seen seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie: Fully Loaded. My girlfriend’s kids love it. It’s pretty funny.”

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